Please read it with utmost attention if you really want to survive Indian roads.  Afterall, being Horny on Indian roads is not as bad as it sounds.

If you need any further convincing, here are the ten reasons. Actually, have many more, but here are the top ten.

  1. Your vehicle speed in traffic is directly proportional to lowest common denominator within Indian cities. That lowest denominator can be a cow or elephant or even newbie who is shit scared in the middle of the traffic. Whatever might be the reason, if you want to break that speed barrier, you have to Be Horny. Be as loud as possible and make you way out just like soldier escaping out of war zone.
  2. If you are waiting at the signal (hopefully still functioning), you can not blame other people for being slow when signal turns green. There is possibility that person ahead of you is color blind.  Anyways, signal turning green does not give you license to shoot straight through the junction. It is more like ‘Look and Go’ as you will certainly meet some nutcase merrily jumping the signal. So, you have to Be Horny to shoosh slowest cow or that particular nutcase and move ahead. If signal turns red by the time you were busy ‘shoosh’ing, blame it on bad luck.
  3. There is small lane meeting the main road. You are driving merrily on main road enjoying outside weather. Housewife on scooter overloaded with kids (and without helmet) suddenly cuts you off from that small lane. Now before you argue and lecture about right-of-way, you should Be Horny. Honk your heart out and let her know your presence on the main road. You can also wave to the kids. That is one way to make friends.
  4. You hear really loud music while driving by. You can easily guess whether its marriage band or political meeting. Whatever that is, its your duty not to spoil the party. Honk your way through. Be Horny. Be Loud. Can you match their tunes and drive your way through ? Give yourself a challenge  and showcase your musical talent to outside world.
  5. You are driving on the highway. You are going to encounter fellow drivers out to prove Einstein wrong. Aint he the strange haired guy who said you can not drive faster than light ?  You get the proof on Indian roads. Afterall, are you not supposed to drive faster than speed limit posted on the highway signboards?  If you really can not drive faster than light, you should consider honking. Be Horny and admit you are loser – really slow dude.  Be content that you do not stand a chance with guys personally trained by Michael Schumacher anyways.
  6. You are on single lane road, taling a road boulder or cow (for that matter, any slow animal – elephant or giraffe, snail, rabbit, camel ). Only way to get ahead is to overtake him. How can you do it ? Well, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Remember ‘Be Horny‘ mantra. .Honk and let him or her know that you are overtaking, then honk again to let upcoming vehicle know, then honk again once you complete the overtake.  Then , you can repeat same process again and again till you reach your destination.
  7. You are steadfastly making your way in the traffic and suddenly you see another vehicle slowly coming closer to you. Do not rule it out as just another case of vehicular attraction. You can easily find that driver is on mobile. Afterall, important world matters are to be solved at the same instant. Instead of disturbing his important conversation with UN Chief, you can simply choose to Be Horny. Honk for him and say ‘Aye’, he will acknowledge you by honking and get back to his conversation on mobile. Its called Brotherhood on the Road.
  8. You are stuck in traffic. As you step out to see what happened, it appears like WWE Wrestling match from the distance. Two portly fellow travellers just jumped out of vehicle and started friendly banter in the middle of the road. If you can not stop vehicle in the middle and join the audience, you can Be Horny. Honk louder to cheer them up and clap if possible. Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, folks.
  9. You can see that car ahead of you has just turned on Left Indicator. Trick question is – which way it would turn ? You would be naive to say that it would turn Left. Rather, you should consider all possibilities – right, left, or even straight.  Again, best option is to Be Horny. Let the car ahead know (obviously by honking continuously) that you are curious to know the answer of this puzzle. You might see hand coming out giving clues. If you get a finger (middle one), you should consider stopping in the middle of the road and have a friendly banter. Who knows it would turn you into instant celebrity ? As audience gathers to see you both fight it out in the middle. Gladiators !!!
  10. As you navigate slowly through city traffic, you notice a distant cousin of Usain Boult jay walking happily on the road. As soon as he sees you, he suddenly makes dash to cross the road. Now, you know the answer. Be Horny as much as possible. You can also break suddenly and stop in the middle of the road, so that he completes his race. That way, you give those behind you an opportunity to be Horny. Aint it called the social obligation ?

You would ask then, should I Be Horny all the time while driving on Indian roads ?

I would say, consider bigger purpose.

You are making world safer. You owe it to the entire Humanity to BE HORNY. How can you say No to it?

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